Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
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me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
put ‘er there pardner!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed