Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
You Might Also Like
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Dolls on drugs
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
The chart results are in…
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
@funTweeters
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.