Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.