Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
