@lenadunham

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

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@JediGigi

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

@mishakey

I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.

@VikingJonesy

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@Dani_Feld

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@Fred_Delicious

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@Wine_Honey1

People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen

@FriedGoat

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes