Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.