Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…