Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Easy enough.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
ew if literal: let me be clear