Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
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Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”