Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?