Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
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wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
do horses think humans are hats
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Well, this explains it:
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?