Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little