Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
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Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
How times have changed.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated