Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
just arby’s bein’ a bro
![]()
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Stop sending me this shit.
![]()
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?