Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

[on my way back to the posting caves]

When can I start eating bats again.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”