Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Can’t. Being lazy.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking