Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

Ron is short for Aaronald

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.