calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
My kitchen overserved me.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.