calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
The Struggle
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bad news gang
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.![]()
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
You know I’m something of a chef myself
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“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.