Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Bike is short for Bichael.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.