Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
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“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese