Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
a lot to unpack here
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.