Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
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[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”