Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.