Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.