Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Did…did a minotaur write this
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.