Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
sir, my pâté if you please
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
every college guy’s fridge
Oops
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently