[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery