Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE