Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers