Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math