*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
⛄️
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
How to find Kentucky on a map
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra