*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
You Might Also Like
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu