Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.