Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

waiting for halloween be like:

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

Sing it!

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs