Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

Covid like

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions