Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen