Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name