Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.