Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers