Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???