Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

😸

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Once again not all heroes wear capes

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check