Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.