Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

This will never not be funny 😭

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.