Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”