Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

this is the news I live for

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

#JohnTravolta

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

My life in a nutshell

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

wait.