Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

😂 amazing answer

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.