@Reverend_Scott

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

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@mommajessiec

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

@smithsara79

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

@iGreenMonk

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@GrantTanaka

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

@djr_102

Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.

@KelseyCook

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.

@jwoodham

Every time I go for a run I think “why am I even doing this?” Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it’s like “oh yeah, duh.”