*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

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[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]


Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…


My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.


Boss: You’re late

Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time

Boss: That would make today Saturday

Me: You’re right. I’ll go home


“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”


A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.


“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea


Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Daughter Judy
Jane his wife

Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.


I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of


I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.