[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Boss: You’re late
Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time
Boss: That would make today Saturday
Me: You’re right. I’ll go home
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.
FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea
Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Jane his wife
Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.