[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.
called in thicc to work this morning
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-
Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!