@Reverend_Scott

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

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@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

@BraandoCommando

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

@thatUPSdude

Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.

@YesNoSuper

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

@iwearaonesie

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

@novicefather

[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

@sixfootcandy

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

@jimmytorosian

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!