*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.