[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.
Every time I go for a run I think “why am I even doing this?” Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it’s like “oh yeah, duh.”