Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

Pat is about to own someone