Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

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“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk