*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.