*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Already got one
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”