Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

LOL

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Erm…