Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?