@brothasoul
Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”
@EndhooS
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
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@brothasoul
@urmumsausername
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
@TheToddWilliams
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
@TheTweetOfGod
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
@trevso_electric
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
@hazelmotes1
One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now
@AmandasNotFunny
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
@AmishPornStar1
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
@rockymomax
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
@LizerReal
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends