Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
NOTHIN. See u at 9
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends