@EndhooS

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

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@brothasoul

Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”

@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

@TheToddWilliams

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

@TheTweetOfGod

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

@trevso_electric

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

@hazelmotes1

One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now

@AmandasNotFunny

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

@rockymomax

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

@LizerReal

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends