[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*