*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
me:lmao I saw it on Twitter
them: what’s your Twitter
me: I don’t have Twitter
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.