Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

new record!

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

😭😭

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

same but as an audience member

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.