Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Everything reminds me of my ex

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Trumpy Cat

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

I hate everything

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled