Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.