Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter