[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
You Might Also Like
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.