Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Onion called it…again.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole