Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.