Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Need WebMD

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.