Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you