*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me recordaron éste meme
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*