Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

These are so Plastic Man-core

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke