Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

me when I see my crush

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.