Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons