Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

Sticker placement is key.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?