*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on