*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!