*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk