*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Jail
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.