Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

🤣🤣

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.