Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

#Caturday

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

The first matador

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.