Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great first step 😂

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.