[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The news in a nutshell.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I can’t stop watching this.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee