Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.