[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese